Saturday, January 8, 2011

I cried today...

He's been gone for 3 months.  We are almost half way there.  But today I cried.  I wasn't a blubbering baby, a few tears, but it's the first time I have done so since he left. 

I managed to hold it all together thru Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years.  How?  I'm not sure.  Probably because I wanted to keep my happy face on for the kids.  Those 3 kids have kept me going these last three months.  Without them I would have probably stayed in bed for days at a time.  But every morning I am forced to get up and face the day.  They are the source of my strength. 

We have been lucky enough for his deployed locations to be "safe" places.  No hostile fire or such.  Which greatly puts my mind at ease.  Don't get me wrong, I worry like hell.  But not half as much as I would if he were somewhere else. 

My tears where a little frustration, a little excitement, and a little sadness.  When I look at our three kids I see how much he is missing.  How much they have grown in just the short time he has been away.  I miss his arms around me.  I miss his sweet kisses.  I miss the smell of his skin.  The kids miss rough housing with their daddy.  They also miss his great big hugs and kisses. 

The life of an Air Force family isn't an easy one.  There are many ups and downs.  Many sleepless nights and sad days.  But somehow we find that strength deep down inside that gets us thru.  And because of that hidden strength we are able to pick up and carry on.  A video chat is the highlight of our day.  Seeing his handsome face and knowing he is doing fine does a world of wonders for the soul. 

The days before the deployment arrives you are ready to get rid of him.  He is getting on your nerves so bad you could strangle him.  But then the morning arrives.  You look into the eyes of the man you fell madly in love with and wonder how in the hell you are going to make it 6 months without him.  You pled with him to stay, but know he has a job to do.  A job that wasn't his first choice.  A job that he chose as a way to support his family.  You know he doesn't want to go but he has to.  He knows he has to.  So you put on your big girl undies and deal with it.  You take him to his work to drop him off.  You can feel the tears but manage to hold them back.  You stand around hearing to all the higher ups talk but are not really listening to the words they are saying.  It's time to load the van.  Your heart is racing.  He is really about to leave.  You look at the faces of your kids knowing they do not fully understand what is going on.  He hugs you.  He kisses you.  He holds onto the 3 babies the two of you have created together.  He stands up, looks into your eyes and says he will see you soon.  You cannot hold the tears anymore.  But just a few fall.  He drives away.  You are left motionless.  Almost disbelief.  You stand there and watch until you can no longer see the van.  He is gone.  You are suddenly snapped back to reality by one of the kids saying they are hungry.  Your life as a temporary mother and father has begun.  Emotions run high for the next few days as you await the call or email saying they are in country, now you can begin your count down to his arrival home.

We are 52% complete.  I can't wait to see his face.  I'll try not to cry but I know that will probably not happen. 


  1. Crazy how it works isn't it? Thank God for the kids!

  2. I would have given up a long time ago if it wasn't for them.